hello! i'm veloce. i have decided to work on a blog to blog my experiences being "normal". the ways of a normal person are very weird. plus, schedule changes frighten me! but the one thing i do like is feeling like i'm doing normal human activities. writing a blog! oh my days! i've heard of people writing "blogs," and now i've finally made one myself! let this be a lesson that i'm a normal person as well! i even set up a myspace profile and a facebook account on kai's old computer. i don't have a cell phone or an ipad, so kai gave me his old device. there was a picture of a girl on the front, she was very pretty, like a super model. i asked kai who she was, and he changed the subject.
moving on, i have met a few new people working at the store today. one is very strange: a man with brown hair and a very striking smile. a second: an older man, who asked to pay for pictures of "my feet." i realized the potential for money: a few bucks for a small gesture! i could use this to support kai and his store...or maybe pay off my restitution! but once i told kai, his face got very contorted and he told the man to leave.
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one last man: a boy. he looked even stranger. i forget his name, though it reminded me of the street culture. kai had a disdain for him. he seemed interested in me! i think that means he wants to be a friend, right?
my first friend is a plant! i got to name him. for the name, i chose tomo. no reason in particular, i just find the name very beautiful. kai says i will maintain it until i die. i hope when i die, he has tomo left to remember me. people he takes care of always leave once they're stable. i wonder if he remembers them. i am nothing special, but i hope i am sometimes.
for a moment, all of my happiness and excitement for the future collapsed. i think it was because i realized what a horrible person i am. every moment of happiness i have just makes me guilty after. back when i was a kid, i was really shy of my appearance. i used to not eat at all, until i became really, really hungry. i'd eat all of the food i could find. then i'd feel guilty about eating so much again. it reminds me of my emotions. all of the time, i deprive myself of feeling happy. i have always been shifting into what another person wants. i'm scared of free expression. once i'm happy for myself, it's all wrong. i realize the truth behind whatever brings me the high. making friends is truly aimless for me. i will just hurt the people around me. why become normal when i don't even deserve it? that opens up happiness. i will never be happy. i am sorry.
